My parents live in a rural country area and live on ten acres surrounded by pastures. More recently, they have seen an increase in neighbors both human and animal. If you have spent much time in the country you might know the troubles of broken fences and cows or other livestock escaping to other homes or, most cumbersome, standing in the middle of the road. They recently had a problem with the same cows getting into their property due to a broken fence. Without fail, the cows would show up once in the morning and once in the evening in their field. The owner would be called and come with food to lure the cattle back home. A pattern was established that the cows were free to leave their own field and would continue to be found by the owner and fed. It was only when the owner fixed the fence that the cows did not leave the property. As long as the fence was still broken, the cows would leave and other people had to deal with the consequences.
A common misconception about boundaries is that they should be set to keep things out. Fences are important to keep things away, but they serve no purpose if there is nothing inside of them. Boundaries do more than just keep people out from where they don’t belong. Boundaries keep the parts of you in that you value. They communicate to others what you allow in, and what you won’t allow out.
I struggled with boundary setting for a long time when I only thought about the things I needed to keep away. I would build tall fences but I never put much inside of them. Without anything inside of these boundaries I had no sense of my own identity. Often I would set a boundary only to change it later, constantly changing the perimeter of my fences.
I worked on my boundaries and all of the different ways I could tell people no but I never told myself yes. I wanted what was outside of the fence to define the things inside of the fence, and my field of self became tall grass. As long as I set boundaries only for other people I could not effectively communicate what I valued.
It’s important to always consider why we set the boundaries we do. How does it help us? How does it help other people?
What am I saying yes to in setting my boundaries? When I tell someone “I’m not comfortable talking about that” I tell myself “my comfort is important.” When I set limits on the amount of time I spend on work I am telling myself “my well-being matters.” When I tell someone I need to leave by a certain time I am communicated “my time is valuable, and so is yours.” Setting boundaries models our value to ourselves and to others. Boundaries frequently not only help us see our worth but help other people see theirs too.
Boundary setting frequently benefits both people in a relationship by practicing validating ourselves; and effectively strengthens our ability to provide for our own needs. When both people provide for their individual needs it allows both to be more present and available to the relationship. Even providing for the most basic needs like hunger allows us to meet other needs more effectively.
One of my favorite poets Rupi Kaur has a short poem that says “How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” Our relationships with people begin with our relationships with and to ourselves. And our self-relationship is our longest and most intimate relationship we will experience.
Degrees and Acronyms 