When Loving Something Isn’t Enough

I love my students.” “I absolutely love the kids, the kids are great. It’s the adults that bug me.” “We do it for the kids.” “Find your why, remember your why.” I feel like I should justify myself by saying some of these things. Why do I feel the need to preface my decisions with this? I DO love my students and love kids in general, although right now I don’t always like or love some of the behaviors or the chaos. I can’t keep showing up every day as a teacher if it is only because I love my students. I read a quote the other day that said “Don’t let yourself go back to your old job like an abusive relationship just because it is familiar.” 

At this point in the year, sticking around for one benefit isn’t so beneficial anymore as everyone is getting burned out and tired of each other. While I am someone that wants to focus on the good things, right now that is particularly hard and it doesn’t negate the negative consequences of the drawbacks. I’m someone that will stick with something until there absolutely isn’t another option, however, this can lead to not asking for help or doing things the hard way just so I can say I tried. I tell other people all the time “you don’t have to do life in hard mode.” I need to start telling this to myself now. 

I have been struggling since the beginning of the year with work and balancing work-life stress. I have developed some pretty solid boundaries and have been able to address things in therapy that I was able to avoid up until now. Through this process, I have been telling myself “it is okay if what used to serve you no longer serves you well.” We all have a breaking point, but more importantly, we all have a capacity for growth and development in the environment we are in and sometimes we need to seek out sunshine and water in a place to help us continue to grow. 

In the process of changing jobs or career fields, it is really important for me to remember to avoid contingency plans with myself. Contingency plans say “once ___ changes, I will be happy.” There is so much that I can give to myself in the present. Right now I am experiencing less lateral growth and more vertical growth. That sounds very tech-bro, doesn’t it? What I mean is that instead of focusing on changing my circumstances, I am working on myself and my relationship with myself. More important- my relationship with the Lord. 

As I focus on my relationship to self and to God, I am reminded that I need to show grace to myself and to allow and to give myself the things I am lacking. If I am lacking external support- find support in God or in scripture. If I am lacking relationships, prioritize my relationship with Christ and with the people present in my life. On the surface, this might seem like a tactic to distract myself or to divert energy, but when we invest in our relationship with God it is never one-sided. Giving myself to Christ does not deplete me of myself. When I give myself to Christ He also gives back to me. “Ask and you shall receive.” 

Back to the title of this post- what happens when loving something isn’t enough? When my love for something returns void, it might be that I am being asked to love something else right now. It is not inherently wrong to love my students, but sometimes my perceived love for something might be a disordered affection and something that is detracting from my love of God. Yes, I love my students and children in general, but I want to love God more even if that means that He is calling me to something else. I can’t adequately love my students the way Christ loves them. If anything, I can relay just some of the love of God to my students. One of the definitions of an idol that I like is the term “false loves.” Or maybe you have heard of “counterfeit loves.” It seems good, maybe even sacrificial, but ultimately it serves the self or anything other than the person of Christ.

In this way, my love of my students may be good and sacrificial, but underneath it is the desire to be approved, the desire to be honored, the desire to be esteemed, and ultimately pride. Pride is the thing that keeps me from growth. Pride says “I know there is more out there, but at least I can do ____.” Pride focuses on the easy, on the familiar. It might sound contradictory to view an unhealthy work environment as prideful, but when I look at my heart attitude I realize that pride is the thing that makes me stubborn. Pride keeps me from asking for or receiving help, and it makes me focus on how I am perceived. 

I like to imagine the humility it takes to do things in life without shame, and without fear of judgment because the root of pride is not there. I am starting to understand that when we adopt a stance of humility in our hearts, so much of the power of Christ can take over and do great things. I am at a point in my life where I need Christ to take over, and I want to be ready to see where He takes me.

Open Door Theology and Integrating Rooms into My Worldview

I began church seeking after 24 years in the nondenominational world in January of 2019. I returned back to school after visiting home for winter break and can still feel that sense of emptiness I had at the church I had been involved in. This feeling of being called away had started underneath the surface a few months prior, but quickly became a sense of intense sadness.

I couldn’t understand why something that I previously felt I belonged in could be so detached from me now. I had community and relationships, and I was very involved in the church I was at and had been fulfilled in different areas of my life.

I had begun spending time with a group of Anglican bros a few months before. I knew little to nothing about their tradition, and I certainly did not initially feel drawn to experience anything new. For me, the “reformed” and non-denominational world had been a mold I had worked very hard to fit into. During moments of honesty I would admit that as “sick” woman there was no room for me to fill.

I don’t believe that any church group is not a place for disabled people or women, but rather that we all are called to be fully alive in the place in which God asks us to be. To try anything else is to force something that doesn’t fit and ultimately to damage ourselves.

The difficult part of being called elsewhere is that God does not always make our pathways easy or short. My journey was as much (perhaps more) about my relationship with the Lord as it was about my relationship to any type of church. From a practical standpoint there are a few hundred Christian denominations in the US alone. There were a number that I had experience with to quickly rule out, and I knew that my target was somewhere in the liturgical or “high church” variety.

My usual decision making is to go with the “good on paper” options, but I knew this time I would have to experience them myself. Approaching the more “Catholic” like churches felt like a betrayal of my previous culture and values. I didn’t know how to explore, or whether I just needed a break from organized church for awhile.

Whenever we make an unexpected directional shift in life, we tend to assess the values of our family and the way we have always done things. I didn’t know if this decision would mean that something had changed about myself or my values, for better or for worse. I had a conversation with a friend from college that had belonged to the same church. She shared with me a sermon series called Open Door Theology (link here: https://www.lifeindeepellum.com/open-door-theology/)that completely changed my perception of my own belief system.

The sermon series centers around a metaphor of a room with a door. Inside this room are all of the people you value and love like your family, and the things that you grew up with. This might be the way you worship or the specific values that they (and you) hold. For awhile you are fulfilled by everything in this room, but at some point you realize that there is a door and you begin to wonder what happens when you go through that door. To go through the door you must leave behind all of the people and the things that are so integral to who and what you are.

Beyond that door is a room completely different than the one you are used to, but in wonderful ways. The people there may speak or look different, or do things that you are not used to. You begin to realize that there is more than everything you knew in that first room. As you go through life you begin to notice that this room has a door also, and in fact you are not just confined to a room but in a home with a number of rooms, each with different and incredible things in them.

I think the most important aspect of this metaphor is that only I alone can decide to open a door and live in a new room, but when I do so I am not closing the door or totally leaving everything I knew before. I instead integrate all of these rooms to be the parts of a sum, just as a house is incomplete with any of it’s rooms missing.

So often I felt that I would be slamming the door shut on my first room and would never be able to go back. To the people in that room, you may be leaving behind everything that they know and going somewhere that they don’t understand.

Giving God Permission

I don’t know about you, but I have been suffering from a lack of meaningful conversations and relationships over the last few months. I have two close friends I can talk to about anything, but I only see them a few times a year and our relationship is mainly over the phone. When I was studying counseling I really valued engaging with others about fears, beliefs, and topics that were never openly discussed in social environments. 

During the workweek, I have some basic surface-level conversations with my next-door (classroom) neighbor, and perhaps with others at work. Most of my days are spent with just myself and my students, and any interactions with other adults are primarily transactional. I’m not sure if this would bother me so much if I felt more supported and like I belong at work and in my regular life. I have had a shift in my sense of community, and I am looking for a renewed sense of belonging. To be honest, I think I might be in a transitional period where I am detaching from my current environment so that I can be prepared for what is to come. Even though I am hopeful for potential changes coming in the next several months, surviving in the meantime is still hard.

Things have been hard since winter break. January was the first time I felt intense dread and emptiness about going to work. The dread has subsided to levels of routine, but the emptiness has continued. On Friday, I had a unique kind of panic attack, partly fueled by a medication reaction but I think also so much of the guilt and the pressure I have put on myself. Sure, I am struggling with work anxiety and burnout, and motivation, but I also am making it worse by thinking that I am failing somehow.

I was talking with my best friend last night about some of the changes that have happened since I left an unhealthy church environment. The short version is that the gospel stopped being proclaimed, the focus was drawn away from the bible and it become more of a place for judgment and criticism than the grace of God. I had not realized how much this environment had affected me. I had pushed through struggle and lack of support for many long months, always with the promise that things would be better in the future, but the future never happened. I felt increasingly unwelcome, judged, and more of a workhorse than a valued member of the body. I told my friend “Yes, we are all members of the body and we all have different roles and jobs. But we also can’t neglect a body party and be healthy. All of the parts of the body work together and need to be supported or else it falls apart.” Trying to do things on my own strength wasn’t working, and was actually making me more resentful, more prideful, and less loving to others and to myself. 

In the two months since I left that environment, I began to notice how much it had affected me, but also God began to remediate in me important lessons about His grace and salvation. How could I extend grace to others if I could not accept His grace to myself? I realized I couldn’t accept God’s grace with my own set of terms and conditions; it isn’t contractual. 

I’m recognizing that I am still in a different environment that is affecting me, however, it only changes me in the ways I allow it to change me. It might require me to stand out a lot from others, to not be a part of the group. I also believe that when God asks us to be different from other people, there are always people who notice. People He is asking us to reach. The belief that I am invisible, that my work goes unnoticed is something the enemy uses to take away the message that God is using in me. What sorts of messages is God sending through me?

I have no idea.  I don’t want to erase God’s words by focusing on my own works. My perceived failures might be part of the truth He is speaking in my life and into the lives of others. The refreshing thing about not feeling like I can do it in my own strength is that I no longer HAVE to do it in my own strength. 

Every morning, I have it on my prayer list to ask God “in what areas of my life do I need to give you permission?” Lately, that permission looks like letting God be in control and giving myself permission to rest. Allowing God permission to create avenues of healing, and to keep the door open to whatever He continues to do. 

The Psalms and Mental Health: Providing Structure to Our Chaos

In preparing for this topic something I came across a number of times was the depiction and use of water in the Psalms. In his essay called Patterns for Life: Structure, Genre, and Theology in Psalms Dennis Bratcher describes the “cultural language of the Ba’al myths where water is the metaphorical imagery of chaos that threatens the order and stability of the world.” The same imagery of water is also used in the Psalms to describe the control and sovereignty of God and how He provides stability (as in Psalm 23, “you lead me beside still waters.”)

Our bodies are made up of a significant amount of water. If you have spent a while on a boat or in the ocean, you may notice how long it can take for you to stop feeling that swaying and rocking sensation. A small amount of “rocking” or unsettling can have a profound influence on our bodies, and much more on our souls. How do we find the still waters of the soul, described in Psalm 23? 

God’s very nature opposes chaos. The Psalms are incredibly structured and designed, not just to be aesthetically pleasing but to coincide with the inner workings and variations of the soul. One reason I am drawn to the liturgy of the church and the use of the Psalms is that it provides a narrative for all areas of life. There is no emotion that is not explored, and no suffering that is overlooked and that we cannot relate to. 

We will begin by looking at the structure of the Psalms from a textual and Biblical lens, before moving to practical and therapeutic techniques. There is no therapy tool or strategy that does not already exist in God’s word. Therapy asks the questions, the Bible provides the answers.

Structure and Outline of Lament Psalms (from Dennis Bratcher)

I. Address to God, Invocation

a) first person address to God (I, you)

b) an initial plea

II. Complaint to God

a) description of problem, questions asked of God

b) crisis of any kind; in penitential psalms it is sin

c) claim of innocence

d) often includes an initial plea for help

e) condemnation of “wicked” or “enemy”

III. Affirmation of Trust

a) “But as for me” or “Nevertheless”

b) turning point of the psalm; theological focus

IV. Petition

a) plea for God’s intervention

b) often uses the words “save” or “deliver”

V. Acknowledgment of Response

a) assurance of hearing

b) vow of praise, worship

VI. Doxology: blessings, praise

 

III. Acknowledgement of God’s aid in Praise/Thanks

a) worship, with the word todah: praise, sacrifice, blessings

b) cry of praise

 

(Source: Patterns for Life: Structure, Genre, and Theology in Psalms by Dennis Bratcher.

Url: http://www.crivoice.org/psalmgenre.html)

Steps to Calm Provided in the Psalms

1. Reframing– an attempt to shift how a person views a problem as a method for moving forward rather than replacing a faulty belief with a more accurate one.

Example: Moving from “I feel alone” to “my loneliness is also felt by the Lord.”

Reframing helps us to process our feelings and experiences without replacing them.

2. “Sitting with it.”- when we identify what we feel, and allow ourselves to feel it to the full extent. Many times, change happens after we accept and fully feel our emotions, no matter how difficult.

Example: Identifying and talking with the Lord about a sense of loss, describing how a        

sense of loss seeps into different areas of life.

3. Questioning- When we are honest with God, admitting that we don’t understand. The questions we ask of God often reveal our inner motives and thoughts. We often need to also question ourselves and our own beliefs.

Example: Asking “why is God not fixing something?” Exploring why I believe something needs to be fixed. What would fixed look like?

4. Crisis and Turning Point- When we want to give up or feel like we can’t take any more is often when a turning point can begin. Acknowledging our own weakness can allow God’s strength to be more evident in our life.

Example: “I can’t take this type of suffering anymore” leading to understanding that I 

haven’t been fully trusting God with it, or I have been relying on myself.

5. Nevertheless-  What I love about the point in the Psalms is that the speaker does not say “but instead of feeling x I am going to feel y.” The Psalms model that we often live for an extended period with suffering, and also continue and strengthen our relationship with God by turning back to Him. This step emphasizes focusing our attention back on God and may invite us to listen to Him.

6. Praise and Worship– Notice that this is definitely not the first step. This happens after the speaker has worked through many of the above steps. After focusing our attention back on God, it becomes necessary to provide praise to Him as we reflect on His nature. It is much harder to praise the Lord and reflect on Him when we are burdened by something. 

Psalm 13[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

    How long will you hide your face from me?

2 

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 

Look on me and answer, Lord my God.

    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,

4 

and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 

But I trust in your unfailing love;

    my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 

I will sing the Lord’s praise,

    for he has been good to me.

Psalm 142[a]

A maskil[b] of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.

1 

I cry aloud to the Lord;

    I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.

2 

I pour out before him my complaint;

    before him I tell my trouble.

3 

When my spirit grows faint within me,

    it is you who watch over my way.

In the path where I walk

    people have hidden a snare for me.

4 

Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;

    no one is concerned for me.

I have no refuge;

    no one cares for my life.

5 

I cry to you, Lord;

    I say, “You are my refuge,

    my portion in the land of the living.”

6 

Listen to my cry,

    for I am in desperate need;

rescue me from those who pursue me,

    for they are too strong for me.

7 

Set me free from my prison,

    that I may praise your name.

Then the righteous will gather about me

    because of your goodness to me.

Psalm 42[a][b]

For the director of music. A maskil[c] of the Sons of Korah.

1 

As the deer pants for streams of water,

    so my soul pants for you, my God.

2 

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

    When can I go and meet with God?

3 

My tears have been my food

    day and night,

while people say to me all day long,

    “Where is your God?”

4 

These things I remember

    as I pour out my soul:

how I used to go to the house of God

    under the protection of the Mighty One[d]

with shouts of joy and praise

    among the festive throng.

5 

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

    Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

    for I will yet praise him,

    my Savior and my God.

6 

My soul is downcast within me;

    therefore I will remember you

from the land of the Jordan,

    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 

Deep calls to deep

    in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers

    have swept over me.

8 

By day the Lord directs his love,

    at night his song is with me—

    a prayer to the God of my life.

9 

I say to God my Rock,

    “Why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning,

    oppressed by the enemy?”

10 

My bones suffer mortal agony

    as my foes taunt me,

saying to me all day long,

    “Where is your God?”

11 

Why, my soul, are you downcast?

    Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

    for I will yet praise him,

    my Savior and my God.

Matthew 26:36-50

36 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

39 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. 41 “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

42 He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”43 When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. 44 So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.

References

Patterns for Life: Structure, Genre, and Theology in Psalms by Dennis Bratcher 

The Voice (http://www.crivoice.org/psalmgenre.html)

Structure of Psalms from ESV.org 

(https://www.esv.org/resources/esv-global-study-bible/chart-19-03/)

The Examen: St Ignatius’ Prayer of Awareness

St Ignatius developed the motto “God in all things” and created his spiritual exercise to live out a reflective and contemplative life in the everyday and ordinary. The Examen is a contemplative prayer to reflect on the past day and to notice God in the day’s events. It can be helpful to try to see your day through the eyes of God, or to reflect on the ways that God was speaking to you.

5 Basic Steps to the Examen

1. Pray for God’s Help

Fr. James Martin says to “ask for God to be with you.” You can ask God for a particular grace that you need, or just to invite Him in. It can be profound to welcome God’s presence and reflect on how you respond to Him. Pay attention to your attitude and disposition to God, without feeling the need to self-correct. How do you greet Him? How does He respond to you? What is it like to be in His presence right now?

2. Express Gratitude 

Fr. Martin has you reflect on two things you are grateful for. Sometimes knowing that    

later on I will be expressing gratitude helps me be more grateful and aware during my 

day. Having this continuous practice of thanksgiving can help reframe my perspective to be open to God in areas I may not particularly enjoy.

3. Pray Over the Events that Surface as You Replay the Day

It can be helpful to start by reflecting on the events of the day, starting from when you wake up. Not every moment of every day may feel profound. Some days “I got overwhelmed and yelled at a kid” can be a starting point to opening up what is going on under the surface. 

As you go through your day, reflect on whether the events of the day drew you closer to God, or further away?

4. Ask for God’s Forgiveness

Repent of the areas that drew you farther from God and ask for forgiveness. This 

      practice is about re-orienting ourselves towards God and reconnecting. It can be a time 

  where you open up to God and express things that you need freedom from, even if that   

freedom is a release of guilt and shame. 

5. Ask for the Grace to See God in the Next Day

However you choose to practice the examen, knowing that it is a daily practice can help 

           your awareness of God in the present. Expecting to see God, and even asking to see     

Him is a practice that has challenged my own view of faith in God. 

Books on Ignatian Spirituality:

The Ignatian Adventure: Experiencing the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius in Daily LIfe

By Kevin O’Brien, SJ

-This is the book I am reading from today. It is heavy on application of the exercises. It is very methodical (for me overwhelming) but can be adapted as needed. 

The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything: A Spirituality for Real Life

Fr. James Martin, SJ

-Father James Martin is an awesome resource for the Examen and Ignatian spirituality. This book is approachable and entertaining, and is a way of providing information that you can then apply to your life.

Podcasts:

The Examen with Fr. James Martin,  produced by America media.

-This is my favorite, and follows the same format with a weekly meditation before beginning the period of prayer.

God in All Things Podcast, Andy Otto.

-Each of these podcasts is about 10 minutes or less, and I listen to them at least 2x through. These are Jesuit reflections on different topics.

Ignatian Audio Meditations

-This has shorter guided Examen prayers in different formats.

Web:

God in All Things– This is also by Andy Otto. I participated in one of his discernment retreats online. He strikes a great balance between informational and experiential and I would recommend any of his courses and his podcast. 
Ignatian Spirituality– This is more of a hub of everything Ignatian.

Boundaries pt.1

My parents live in a rural country area and live on ten acres surrounded by pastures. More recently, they have seen an increase in neighbors both human and animal. If you have spent much time in the country you might know the troubles of broken fences and cows or other livestock escaping to other homes or, most cumbersome, standing in the middle of the road. They recently had a problem with the same cows getting into their property due to a broken fence. Without fail, the cows would show up once in the morning and once in the evening in their field. The owner would be called and come with food to lure the cattle back home. A pattern was established that the cows were free to leave their own field and would continue to be found by the owner and fed. It was only when the owner fixed the fence that the cows did not leave the property. As long as the fence was still broken, the cows would leave and other people had to deal with the consequences.

A common misconception about boundaries is that they should be set to keep things out. Fences are important to keep things away, but they serve no purpose if there is nothing inside of them. Boundaries do more than just keep people out from where they don’t belong. Boundaries keep the parts of you in that you value. They communicate to others what you allow in, and what you won’t allow out.

I struggled with boundary setting for a long time when I only thought about the things I needed to keep away. I would build tall fences but I never put much inside of them. Without anything inside of these boundaries I had no sense of my own identity. Often I would set a boundary only to change it later, constantly changing the perimeter of my fences. 

I worked on my boundaries and all of the different ways I could tell people no but I never told myself yes. I wanted what was outside of the fence to define the things inside of the fence, and my field of self became tall grass. As long as I set boundaries only for other people I could not effectively communicate what I valued.

It’s important to always consider why we set the boundaries we do. How does it help us? How does it help other people?

What am I saying yes to in setting my boundaries? When I tell someone “I’m not comfortable talking about that” I tell myself “my comfort is important.” When I set limits on the amount of time I spend on work I am telling myself “my well-being matters.” When I tell someone I need to leave by a certain time I am communicated “my time is valuable, and so is yours.” Setting boundaries models our value to ourselves and to others. Boundaries frequently not only help us see our worth but help other people see theirs too.

Boundary setting frequently benefits both people in a relationship by practicing validating ourselves; and effectively strengthens our ability to provide for our own needs. When both people provide for their individual needs it allows both to be more present and available to the relationship. Even providing for the most basic needs like hunger allows us to meet other needs more effectively.

One of my favorite poets Rupi Kaur has a short poem that says “How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” Our relationships with people begin with our relationships with and to ourselves. And our self-relationship is our longest and most intimate relationship we will experience.

The Closet Light

Photo by Rahul on Pexels.com

What is it about me that makes asking for help so challenging? It seems that for other people it takes place in a few simple words strung together into a sentence or two.

“Can you call me later?”

“Can I vent to you for a minute?”

“Can you walk the dog when you get home?”

Okay, asking for someone to do something is simple for me too. But reaching out to admit my own weakness, my own challenges?

I don’t always know what it is I am asking for or what I need. Often it involves reality and a mental game of “worst-case scenario”- Allison’s Health Edition. It is a lot of big things that I am carrying on my own and want to have somewhere to set down. Or someone else to grab hold of.

I can’t adequately give my illness to anyone else or have them suffer for me. But it doesn’t have to be something ONLY I experience. That’s a huge portion of life to keep secret.

Still, how do I begin in reaching out?

Which gifs or memes would accurately portray my deepest fears?

My fears are less about my own consequences and more the repercussions that other people must face. It’s not the “I might not be okay,” and more of the “someone else will have to face this too.”

A recurring narrative in my head is “other people have their own issues.” And they do. I would never want to ignore them. I want to be present for those. I would also like to ask the same for myself.

Despite whatever externally perceived strength or fortitude people may attribute to me; I don’t usually feel all that strong by myself. I know I’m not weak, but I don’t want to live out all my realities without inviting other people into them.

If I were to play the role of my own counselor, the conversation might go something like:

Counselor-self: “What evidence do you have for when you ask for help?”

Client-self: “I don’t think I have asked for help in awhile from my friends… I have never had anyone tell me they don’t want to. My friends have always been extremely helpful and often have been there or taken me to medical stuff. That means a lot to me. It’s not a minor inconvenience.”

Counselor-self: “How do you think they felt about helping you in that way?”

Client-self: “Well I think if they did hate it, they would have a hard time hiding that. Try being spiteful in a hospital waiting room. *laughs to self*I don’t think they felt differently about me. They talked to me normally, they made jokes. They were their typical selves in a different setting. It’s a setting I am comfortable with, so I guess that makes sense. It’s more about your perspective and attitude than where you are.”

Counselor-self: “It sounds like when you ask for help, your friends freely offer it when they can. And they are happy to and don’t feel differently about you.”

Client-self: “I hate it when you are right.”

And then my client-self goes off and ignores the counselor-self for 10 minutes to watch YouTube videos.

There is some merit to thinking about how to ask for help. Sometimes I need to understand my own needs and how to ask myself for help first. After that, I am more prepared to reach out to other people.

My counselor-self is right though- the evidence always contradicts my fears. I tend to make reaching out a much bigger entity than it need be. I imagine everyone does with their own fears.

Young Allison was afraid of the dark for a very long time. I could hardly turn off the light for long enough to run to my bed. I needed a parent or older sibling to come in and pull the chain on the closet light. That light was there to remind me that I was not alone, and that I was safe. It allowed me to forget my fear and fall asleep.

I don’t know what cured my fear of darkness or when it happened. The possibility of the things I had once imagined became ridiculous and illogical to me. But they never felt ridiculous and illogical when they were still fears. They felt larger than life, and the more I allowed the fear the more it grew.

Asking for help allows someone else to join us in our experience. They come into our room and turn on the closet light. Their presence allows us to face what we are most afraid of. Sometimes they help us sit in the dark and face our fears.

And even if we both really DO have to sit in a dark room for a while, we won’t be doing it alone. We might even come up with silly stories about our worries and laugh.

Vulnerability

Vulnerable is a hard word for me to spit out. In fact, spitting is a pretty accurate description.

It always has a tinge of nakedness. Of bare skin and stretch marks. Once you reveal your vulnerabilities to someone, you can never take them back again. And that’s a terrifying thing.

Vulnerability is fragile. Vulnerability is you giving a delicate flower of truth to someone and hoping they don’t trample on it. So why ever be vulnerable if we run such a risk?

The importance of being vulnerable with other people is this: If you have a garden of beautiful flowers- would you keep it to yourself? Or would you expose people you trust to it so that it can influence them, change them, even inspire them?

Without vulnerability we run the risk of having a beautiful garden but being totally alone. And maybe your garden has some thorns and some pests and some torn up plants-they all do from time to time. But vulnerability not only invites someone else to see your garden but to work on it.

To bring healthy plants from their own garden and to let them take root in yours. To fertilize what needs to be fed, and to remove the weeds that are in the way. This process of growing and removing and fine-tuning cultivates both the garden and the gardener. Most importantly, it cultivates unity. And relationship. And connection.

Some people fill their garden with plastic flamingos and fake succulents to give the appearance of “having it all together” and to avoid having to share it with anyone. Others have a secret garden (pre-transformation) that has been neglected for too long. Maybe a disaster came along at some point and eventually they found it impossible to begin again. And maybe those people with the fake plants and animals really do have something beautiful to share- but it makes them different.

Vulnerabilities to me are like the stretchmarks of the persona. They often exist from something painful to be a reminder of the past as well as the future. We all start as a relatively blank physical and mental canvas and are shaped by what we experience. Without sharing our vulnerabilities we become a filtered highlight reel of a person that is hard to find connection with. (Think for a second about a movie in which only good things happen for a whole 2 hours. How incredibly unsatisfying would that be?)

We all have our own version of stretchmarks. And none of us “has it together.” So we might as well learn to connect with other flawed people because we are all in the same journey together.

And all of our gardens could use some tending.